Welcome to Well, That Sucked, our weekly compendium of exactly what it sounds like. Thrown in this week’s garbage: our collective attempt to not pay any attention to Donald Trump anymore and his cyclone-coiffed hair.
There are a few constant truths about a guy like Donald Trump. First, his hair will always be hilarious and jokes about it are always welcome. Second, there will never be an explanation for why his mouth is always so flaky and yet wet at the same time, and why it’s always in the shape of a carnival garbage can. And finally, no climax will be greater to him than the one he experiences every time the Google Alert he has for his name goes off.
To recap what you probably couldn’t escape even if you tried: BuzzFeed wrote a less-than-flattering profile on Trump and his nonsense political aspirations. It didn’t exactly reveal anything we don’t already know about him—just that he likes money, has terrible taste, that his hair is silly. Maybe the most memorable part of the piece is that it was even written: what, if anything could compel BuzzFeed to follow around the least likely Republican nominee for President for 36 hours? Why not just give Ross Perot a call and see how that “giant sucking sound” comment would have played if Twitter were around in 1992.
Inevitably, Trump threw a big fit when someone pointed out that the emperor wasn’t wearing any clothes and also he had a bunch of leaky batteries sticking out of his butt. Naturally, in response, he fired his top aide, Sam Nunberg, who had pushed him to cooperate with McKay Coppins on the BuzzFeed piece. And why not? Like any good business man, Donald Trump will only surround himself with spineless bootlickers who say things like, “Of course your wife loves you for more than your money,” and, “I’m sure your son won’t grow up to be an impossible asshole,” and, “Yes, Mr. President,” without breaking down in laughter and tears.
And it’s not like firing a faithful troop in the Trump Army was enough—he’s been ranting on Twitter ever since, calling Coppins a “dishonest slob of a reporter,” and crying about BuzzFeed’s lack of credibility.
But don’t feel sorry for him, because this is Donald Trump’s life-blood. He doesn’t even need food and water anymore—he subsists on the attention he receives from strangers when he does weird and inexplicable things. This is the same man who got an upsetting number of people to consider that maybe the President of the United States was not born in America. It’s gotten so bad that some lady from down the street named Sarah Palin is defending him.
It’s hard to resist his barfy mojo, I know. I watched the first five and last two seasons of The Apprentice. I’m still making jokes about Omarosa. But it’s important that we really try to not give him any more attention. With other diseases, the way to beat it is by zeroing in on a problem area and destroying it. In this case, however, they way to bring it to its knees it to stop looking at it altogether. Consider him an old plant that someone gave you: keep it in a closet, don’t water it, and if anyone asks, act like it’s already dead. That’s how you get rid of a festering organism. You just let it die.
But the BuzzFeed story is so quintessentially Donald Trump, why even bother being surprised by his reaction? It zeroed in on how he’s a joke of a self-promoter and not ever worth considering as a political candidate, and that outraged him. The glory of it, however, is how Trump acts like a child backed into a corner when called out on his own very obvious, very intentional bullshit. It’s rare that someone in Trump’s position with his considerable wealth is told that he’s a liar, and boy does he not like it. What’s most surprising is that people don’t ask him to own up to his games more often. It’s a whole lot of fun, and the only time we should be paying attention to people like Trump is when they’re huffing and puffing and threatening to run away from home if you don’t start being nice to them.
And as a general rule, you should never trust someone who doesn’t even think Jeter should retire. Does he even know what he’s saying anymore? SHUT UP. NO ONE ASKED YOU. LET HIM GO INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT ALREADY.
Well, That Sucked appears every Friday.