How To Eat Food: A User’s Guide

January 15, 2014
A photograph of the writer.

SCAACHI KOUL was born and raised in Calgary, Alberta. Her writing has appeared in The New Yorker, BuzzFeed NewsThe HairpinThe Globe and Mail and J...

Last week, New York Mayor Bill de Blasio got in some trouble when the world caught him eating pizza with a knife and fork. This is, of course, insane, despite the protestations of some people. But if the mayor of New York City was unaware of something so obvious, it stands to reason there might be more confusion over other dishes. To help, here’s a comprehensive guide to how to eat food. Hope you brought your appetite!

Look, if you don’t already know that you’re not supposed to eat pizza with cutlery, I don’t know what to tell you. Pizza is a hand-food, in that you need to eat it with your entire hand. Roll the pizza into a cylinder and suck on it like an Itzakadoozie.

This is up for debate but if I’ve learned anything from commercials, it’s that women need to be dancing and laughing and menstruating while they eat it and men are not allowed to have any because it is Girls Only.

Shepherd’s Pie
Complain about having to eat Shepherd’s Pie, glare at whoever served it to you, sigh loudly, then eat it unwillingly, chewing as little as possible. What is that, corn? Maybe peas? No one likes peas. Vomit immediately. Digest nothing.

Your first bite should always be from the bottom of the shell. Let the taco fall apart in your plate. When you’re ready for another bite, scoop everything up with both of your hands and shove it towards your mouth the same way you’d throw water on your face, if you washed your face, which oh, of course you don’t. Reply with a frustrated, “What??” when people stare at you in disgust.

Purse your lips into a tight o-shape, lean forward to the bowl, and just suck up as much soup as hard as you can, like a street sweeper hoovering cigarette butts and coffee cups and solidified animal dumps on the street corner. Do not wait until it is cool. Burn your mouth and tongue and esophagus and then call in sick to work with your newly damaged voice. Go to a matinee screening. Have you seen American Hustle yet? It’s a mess, sure, but charming in its own way. Just like you!

Fruits and vegetables
Oh look, Gwyneth Paltrow over here needs some advice, well tough shit, lady

Only buy sushi on discount at the grocery store, making sure that the avocado is noticeably brown. Once back at your desk at work, whine loudly until a janitor throws each roll into your mouth like a dolphin begging for krill.

While you cut yourself a slice at a party, be sure to cry out very audibly, “OH I REALLY SHOULDN’T, I’M ON A DIET, I’M GOING GLUTEN FREE, OH I’M BEING SO BAD.” When everyone begins to involuntarily tear you from limb to limb for being the worst person at the party, possibly the city, be sure to tell them to try a piece of the cake after they’re finished literally eating you alive.

Indian food
Stick it up your butt because you’re going to be pooping it out real soon anyway.

Ice cream
While still in the frozen food aisle, pick up a carton of your favourite flavour and pop that baby open. Stand facing the glass case, holding the carton to your face while caressing the top of the ice cream with your tongue over and over and over. Keep your eyes wide open. Don’t blink. Don’t move anything other than your head to lap up the now-melting ice cream. Moan luxuriously with each lick. Refuse to leave the store.

Not really intended for eating but makes a fine hat.

Soak your tampons in a glass for a later-time treat when you take a bathroom break at work.

Picking a fresh lobster is key. Don’t buy anything frozen or pre-cooked; you’ll always be disappointed. Visit your local fishmonger and choose from the tank, then take it to your nearest vegetarian and make them watch you while you murder a living creature by trapping it in scalding hot water until its insides cook and you’re ready to crack that motherfucker’s body in half and suck out the death-juices. Wash it down with your friend’s tears as she thinks back to you how close you two were in high school and why did she even let you in uninvited anyway, you haven’t spoken in years, she blocked you on Facebook, what was she thinking?

Chicken wings
With a knife and fork, you pig.

A photograph of the writer.

SCAACHI KOUL was born and raised in Calgary, Alberta. Her writing has appeared in The New Yorker, BuzzFeed NewsThe HairpinThe Globe and Mail and Jezebel. She is the author of One Day We’ll All Be Dead and None of This Will Matter.