Single on Valentine’s Day? Dry those eyes, you big dummy! Just because you’re flying solo on the most romantic day of the year doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy yourself like a normal human. Here are some tried and true tips for making the most of Valentine’s Day when you’ve got no one special in your life. And remember: don’t do anything we wouldn’t do!
1. Dress up as Cupid (diaper, curly blond wig, wings, etc.) and hang out at the train station until the diaper is full.
2. Update your will. (For extra Valentine’s Day fun, do it with a pink pen.)
3. Leave a raw cow’s heart on each of your co-workers’ desks. When they ask you why, tell them it’s because you’re a romantic fool.
4. Visit your ex’s parents and ask to borrow a great deal of money. Cry if you have to.
5. Collapse in a wine bar.
6. Kidnap Sting and force him to sing The Police classic “So Lonely” to you in the basement. Dispose of his remains carefully.
7. Hand out condoms to everyone at church.
8. Go to the cemetery. Put stickers with the words “RIP LOVE” on every grave. Have a nice, good laugh about it.
9. Put your dirty laundry in a deep-sea diving suit. Dim the lights. Play a little smooth jazz. Pop the bubbly. Then, when the moment is just right, have an argument with the suit.
10. Four words: Michael Haneke movie marathon.
11. Eat a bouquet of red roses on public transit during rush hour. Say “Yum yum yum!” the entire time.
12. Create an Ancestry.com account. Look up your family tree. Masturbate vigorously.
13. Stay in bed until the 15th.