You’ve booked your tickets, packed your bags, forgotten your sense of propriety, and are only a week late: you’re off to Austin for South by Southwest! But with so much music to see, it can be overwhelming to know which shows to hit and which ones to skip. Luckily, we’ve done the grunt work for you. Here’s our curated guide to this weekend’s hottest shows and events at SXSW 2014.
7 p.m., Saxon Pub: Lady Gaga performs. Or Coldplay? I don’t know. What’s the difference? Do you even care? Either way, someone will be up there for a while doing terrible piano ballads, probably in a onesie.
8 p.m., Clive Bar: Get ready to party hard as German christstep buzz band Garlin play songs off their debut album Larrrrrry!
9:30 p.m., Austin Convention Center: Crotchety actor Robert Duvall will dispense acting tips and advice. Not, like, at a booth or anything; he’ll just be roaming the SXSW grounds, yelling things like, “KNOW WHERE YOUR LIGHT IS” and “REAGAN, NOW THAT WAS A REAL MAN.” Why is he here? Because he has nothing else to do.
11 p.m., The Hideout: While watching a cool new band, a tipsy middle-aged music journalist will flirt with a college girl and seriously consider abandoning his wife and child and the humiliating routine he calls his entire existence.
3 a.m., alleyway, behind dumpster: Billy Joel, Billy Idol, Billy Crystal and Billy Bob Thornton will discuss the career and legacy of jazz legend Billy Holiday. No one will attend.
4 a.m., Elysium: Miami hip-hopper Pitbull performs. During the show, a drink-sodden Billy Joel will heckle Pitbull, throw food at him and declare himself to be “God of the piano.” The audience will turn on Billy Joel. He will fight the entire audience.
4:30 a.m., Karma Lounge: It’s Dr. Phil @ SXSW! America’s favourite TV doctor is at America’s favourite music festival to tape a series of late-night episodes on topics ranging from body dysmorphia to accidentally killing your adoptive father.
5 a.m., jail: Billy Joel is in jail now.
2 p.m., literally any restaurant in Austin: A young woman will post a picture of a massive plate of barbecued ribs on Instagram. It will garner 45 likes. She will feel real smug about it.
3 p.m., Shell Station: Godfather of punk Iggy Pop will withdraw some cash from an ATM. Shirtless.
5 p.m., jail: Billy Joel will phone walking grease-trap Pitbull to apologize and seek help getting out of jail. The call will go unanswered. He will vow to destroy Pitbull.
8 p.m., Walmart: It’ll be a feast for the nostrils as Thom Yorke and CeeLo Green launch their new fragrance, detritus for men. The scent is described as “the erotic scent of two musical legends after spending a long day together in the studio,” and it will be disgusting.
11 p.m., The Main: Pope Francis (yes, that one!) previews songs from his new punk-funk album Baby Makin’ Music.
12 a.m., Flamingo Cantina: You didn’t hear it from us, but celebrity chef Gordon Ramsey is doing a super secret “food DJ” set. What does that mean? We don’t know, but Ramsey does promise to scream at some food and accuse everything of having too much salt.
2 a.m., The Hideout: In a catastrophic booking blunder, smooth jazz quintet called The Arcade Five will play a long, inoffensive headlining set to a furious audience, all clad in oversized tank-tops.
6 p.m., jail: Billy Joel will finally be released on bail.