Prince Michael Jackson vs. Megan Fox and Michael Bay

A Canadian Comedy Award winner, Michael Balazo has over a decade of stand up and sketch comedy...

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Namaste, everybody! Last week was so crammed full of culture that looking at it hurt your damn eyes. But amidst all the excitement over the Oscars and Michael Haneke’s nip slip, you probably missed the week’s tastiest cultural nuggets. For instance, did you know that Michael Jackson’s son*, Prince Michael, made his debut as an Entertainment Tonight correspondent? Well, he did, so if you thought it was impossible to make Entertainment Tonight better, you were wrong. Another thing that happened? Michael Bay forgave Megan Fox for calling him Hitler and they plan to celebrate by making a Ninja Turtles movie together. Thank Christ!

But first Prince Michael, who’s proof that the next generation of badass Jacksons is ready to step up to the plate and blow our minds. If you missed his spectacular debut as an E.T. correspondent, you messed up your life so bad, because it was mesmerizing. Over the course of the week we got to know Prince Michael as he prepared for his first big showbiz interview. And you could really see that legendary Jackson talent shining through as he stood awkwardly beside regular E.T. hosts Rob Marciano and Brooke Anderson, reading nervously off the teleprompter and making everyone extremely uncomfortable, just like his pops used to do.

The whole exercise culminated in an interview with Sam Raimi, Zach Braff, and James Franco, in which he asked them for tips on how to break into show business. I mean, there’s simply got to be a way for this unknown kid with no Hollywood connections to get a job in the creative arts, right? All in all, Prince Michael handled himself like an old E.T. pro. Michael Jackson was probably smiling down on his son** from his compound in Heaven, saying, “I’m proud of you, m’boy. Seeing you at work really makes me regret pigging out on all those drugs and passing away like a nincompoop!”

Speaking of Heaven and miracles, Megan Fox and Michael Bay have settled their differences and we’re going to get a new Ninja Turtles movie! A quick recap: back in 2010, Fox compared Bay to Hitler, which sorta ruined their friendship. (Michael Bay is notoriously sensitive!) For a while, it looked like we’d never see a Fox-Bay team-up again. Well, Michael Bay has proven that, unlike Hitler, he has the capacity to forgive and forget.

This is great news. Because, really, someone comparing you to the perpetrator of the Holocaust shouldn’t stand in the way of you making a Ninja Turtles movie with them. Besides, Hitler was nothing like Michael Bay. Did Hitler’s movies ever gross $3 billion worldwide? Of course not—the knucklehead didn’t make movies. And if you showed Hitler a Ninja Turtle, he’d just stare at it blankly, saying, “I don’t get it!” Hitler was a total mess.

So, which story is this week’s winner: Prince Michael or the end of the Fox-Bay feud? Prince Michael, by a long shot! The boy’s a pleasure to watch. In becoming a workingman, Prince Michael has reinvigorated the Jackson brand. I only hope that his E.T. success inspires his siblings Paris and Blanket to get off their lazy butts and find TV jobs for themselves. It’s what their father***, Michael Jackson, would have wanted!

* Who totally began life as a jet of semen shooting out of Michael Jackson’s penis into a woman’s vagina.

** Whom he fathered, with a human woman.

*** Who literally produced them by having consensual unprotected sex with a lady.

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