Internet Pornography vs. the Death of Conrad Bain

A Canadian Comedy Award winner, Michael Balazo has over a decade of stand up and sketch comedy...

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If you’re like me, the events of the past week have left you unable to eat, sleep and, especially, bathe. Not only did Lance Armstrong tell Oprah he loved to eat drugs while cycling around France, but slutty rocker John Mayer returned to live performance after a glorious two-year absence. How could these men behave so selfishly? We deserve better from our celebrities, and I hope both of these rascals get some serious jail time for what they’ve done.

But this week’s Culture War is preoccupied with headier concerns… like Internet pornography and the death of actor Conrad Bain. Which of these subjects is inherently better? In the words of myself, “Let’s pit them against each other and see who wins, Michael!”

A recent article in Salon has got people wondering if the all-you-can-eat porno buffet known as “the Internet” has warped young men’s brains so badly that they can’t relate to women in real life. I realize this is a sensitive subject, so I’ll try to treat it with the seriousness it deserves. As a man who’s watched hundreds of thousands of hours of superb Internet porn, I can say unequivocally that nothing compares to the real-life experience of having a woman dressed as a lizard chain you to a tree, spill scalding hot coffee on your “thingy” and scream abuse at you in German while you ejaculate onto an old sandwich. I want the young men of this world to know that dirty videos can never nourish your soul like this kind of love.

Unless the world’s horny young men listen to me, the species is in major trouble. What if Gen Y is so messed up by porn that it never procreates, and the social order descends into chaos, and humanity crashes and burns like a wayward Bang Bus driving into a bomb factory? What if M.I.L.F.s, butt sluts, and DP Queens are harbingers of the end of civilization? Forget drone strikes, President Obama—it’s time you started strafing cities with Net Nanny.

As far as I know, beloved character actor Conrad Bain never warped anyone’s brain—unless his portrayal of Mr. Drummond on Diff’rent Strokes blew your mind. Sadly, Bain passed away last week at the age of 89, after managing to outlive the entire cast and crew of Diff’rent Strokes (save Todd Bridges). His last words were reportedly, “What’chu talkin’ ‘bout, God?” The nurse by his bedside quietly reminded him that this wasn’t his catchphrase as his soul escaped his body and ascended to Heaven (or downwards, to Hell).

This is all to say that the winner of this week’s Culture War is deceased actor Conrad Bain. Sure, Internet porn is amazing (I’m watching some as I write these words), but I can’t throw my support behind a form of entertainment that threatens to destroy humankind. Conrad Bain, on the other hand, threatens no one. I like that about him. In fact, we’d all do better to watch a little less hardcore porn and a little more hardcore Bain. Will you accept my challenge? It’s the least we can do for the next generation.

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