Since returning to New York City, I’ve thought deeply about the ways trauma has estranged me from myself. Growth has meant restoring my relationship with my bodily experience.
We pretend that we are outside of nature, but wherever we are, we are part of an ecosystem—sickness reminds us that our bodies are porous.
Our stories are stock: they hold the disparate parts of ourselves together—our desired flavor, how we want to taste, how we wish to be known.
After writing a novel that explored disordered eating, I needed to confirm the private truth I thought I’d discovered. Then I spoke to someone whose truth was far different from my own.
Money was tight, so I started taking on more questionable modeling gigs. I had to eat.
When a marriage ends, it doesn’t always imply a deficiency. At least, not a personal one.
Whatever happens over the next four years, remember that you didn’t bring this abuse upon yourself. You don’t deserve it. If your needs aren’t being met, it’s not because you have too many needs.
I grew to love candies whose tactile experience was on par with their sweetness—in texture, but especially in residual effect: the burn of Fireballs, the pucker of Warheads, the numb of licorice.
My desire to live without violence aligned nicely with my desire to be thin—at least on the outside.
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