‘It’s Just a Flesh Wound!’ and Other Timely References

A Canadian Comedy Award winner, Michael Balazo has over a decade of stand up and sketch comedy experience. TV writing credits include This Hour Has 22...

The best online comments on the stories that matter, selected and annotated by Michael A. Balazo.

JFK Assassination 50th Anniversary
Last Friday marked the 50th anniversary of the assassination of JFK. Some regard him as a hero, others a philandering villain, but no one can deny the impact his death had on America and the world. So, what are we to think of the JFK legend 50 years on? Guardian reader 0001tsirhcitna wrote:

“someone really hated the kennedys thats for sure..”

I believe this to be true. Two(!) Kennedys were literally murdered, and the last time I checked, you don’t murder people you love. Seems to me like something fishy was going on. CBC commenter Lorraine Tauson paid tribute to JFK, writing:

“A tragic end for a brave man despite his many flaws. Jackie was also very brave. She was most proud of the fact that she did not go insane after Jack was murdered. RIP Jack and Jackie.”

Not a lot of people know this, but Jackie Kennedy was forever boasting about how she didn’t go insane after her husband got shot, always rubbing her mental soundness in everyone’s faces. Some people might find that arrogant, but Jackie made it charming. And CNN commenter dave advanced a theory of the Kennedy assassination, posting:

“the bottomline is kennedy was shot by a lunatic”

Call me naïve, but I sincerely hope this isn’t true.

Presidential Medals of Freedom
Last week President Obama awarded Presidential Medals of Freedom to 16 lucky recipients, including Bill Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Gloria Steinem, and Loretta Lynn. The medals are intended to celebrate individuals who have contributed to national security and world peace, a fact that prompted LA Times reader Chuck Olmstead2 to post:

“What a load of horse puckey. Oprah Winfrey??”

Whoa whoa whoa! Just because you’re upset that Oprah got a medal doesn’t mean you have to start using unpleasant terms from the 1800s. What’s next, calling Bill Clinton a “lustful clodhopper”? It just won’t do! Yahoo commenter Have A Nice Day ventured further down the bawdy route, posting:

“While in office, Clinton gave Monica Lewinsky a pearl necklace.”

This comment is a bit silly. There are major differences between the Medal of Freedom and the so-called “pearl necklace” that Bill Clinton gave Monica Lewinsky. First of all, the Medal of Freedom is one of the highest civilian awards in the U.S., while Lewinsky’s pearl necklace is not. You could wear a Medal of Freedom to a dinner party or a baptism, and people would compliment you. Try doing that with a pearl necklace; you’d cause a frightful scene. This is because the pearl necklace isn’t really a necklace at all, but rather a stream of semen ejected from Bill Clinton’s penis.

Monty Python Reunion
Comedy fans around the world rejoiced last week when the surviving members of legendary sketch troupe Monty Python announced they’d be reuniting and performing a series of shows next year in London. CNN commenter PeriSoft celebrated the news, posting:

“It’s only a flesh wound!”

Which is a reference to a classic Python sketch. Yahoo commenter RobertK pulled a similar stunt, posting:

“There’s a penguin on the tele.”

Which is also a reference to a Python sketch. Thankfully, Huffington Post commenter Tom_Iarossi put all this Monty Python fandom in perspective, writing:

“Python fans are more than a bit nutty, and we wear that label proudly. We appreciate literate, subtle humor alongside slapstick; we chortle at the quick wit with that unmistakable British edge; we use snippets of inane dialog as some kind of secret code to identify fellow fans. We watch the same movies again and again to laugh once more at our little vice, secure in the knowledge that as fans we’re different and special. I’ve noticed that many of us are also fans of theAirplane! movies, for some of the same reasons.”

This guy sounds like a cool, fun nut to hang out with for a hilarious joke-cracking session. After each joke, he would remove his spectacles, clear his throat, and explain to you in clinical detail why he was laughing and how this makes you both special. Then, you could sign a carefully worded document declaring yourselves to be genuine wacky men, before earnestly masturbating to Monty Python & The Holy Grail like true fans.

Canadian Prisons = Yikes!
According to a federal corrections investigator, Canada’s prisons have never been more crowded, and this overcrowding is making them very violent. It’s almost as if being locked in a Canadian prison isn’t very desirable. Luckily, CBC commenter Georooney knows how to fix our prison probs, posting:

“Simple two-part solution to reduce prison crowding:

1) eliminate incarceration for pot smoking.

2) bring back the death penalty; not just for murder but for selling hard drugs to kids.”

This is every pothead’s dream come true! We get to get smoke ourselves silly and declutter the prisons by sending bad men to Hell. A total win-win if there ever was one! Now, who feels like burnin’ a fattie and shopping for body bags?

A Canadian Comedy Award winner, Michael Balazo has over a decade of stand up and sketch comedy experience. TV writing credits include This Hour Has 22 Minutes (CBC/DHX Media), Scare Tactics (Syfy), Hot Snack Radio (Showcase), and popcultured (Comedy Network). Michael is a regular on-air contributor to Day 6 (CBC Radio/PRI) and has written sketches for BBC Radio 4's Recorded For Training Purposes. His blog Toronto Sun Cover Reviews was so popular that it inspired a cease and desist letter.