Christ’s Resurrection vs. John Malkovich’s Beachwear

A Canadian Comedy Award winner, Michael Balazo has over a decade of stand up and sketch comedy experience. TV writing credits include This Hour Has 22...

Hi, everybody! I’ve been taking the world’s cultural temperature all week, and boy is my thermometer dirty. Lots of fun stuff’s been happening, but two stories stand head and shoulders above the pack. First up: Jesus Christ. He rose from the dead over the weekend, which, even in our fast-paced Digital Age, is pretty impressive. And, on the secular front, 59-year-old Hollywood heartthrob John Malkovich released his own line of gentlemen’s beachwear. So, lock up your beaches! Now, let’s get down to it and find out which of these stories comes out on top in this week’s Culture War.

The Resurrection of Christ
Easter 2013 got off to a rocky start when newbie Pope Francis broke with thousands of years of tradition by washing the feet of two women on Holy Thursday. This faux pas was followed by a lackluster crucifixion on Good Friday and a tedious Holy Saturday. By the time Easter Sunday rolled around, I was ready to jump off a building. Good thing I didn’t, though, because Christ’s Resurrection was one of the best in recent memory. A mere three days after he was brutally crucified by Romans, the Son of Man sat up, wriggled out of his tomb and scared the living shit out his Apostles. (If you’ve seen the YouTube video, you’ll know what I mean.)

Christ’s resurrection was all the more impressive considering His weekend competition: Spring Breakers, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, Game of Thrones’ new season premiere, and then there was AFV. Most people wouldn’t have the guts to go up against—and demolish—such huge entertainment heavyweights. Then again, most people aren’t Christ!

John Malkovich’s New Beachwear Line
Being a man is no picnic. We’re hairy, we smell bad, and we die as soon as we retire. But the worst part of being a man is having nothing elegant to wear on the beach—until now, that is. John Malkovich has answered men’s summer prayers with the launch of his new line of gentlemen’s beachwear for his Technobohemian label. We’re talking swimming trunks, jackets, T-shirts, polo shirts and Bermuda shorts, all from Malkovich’s feverish brain. He’s even peddling scarves and straw hats, guys. It’s like the white version of Rocawear!

Personally, I’m looking forward to dressing like John Malkovich this summer on my thrice-daily beach strolls. Because that eccentric-American-dandy-serial-killer look? Ladies love it.

The Winner
The winner of this week’s Culture War is… Christ! Call me old-fashioned, but I’m a huge fan of guys who die and then come back. Bravo, sir! As for John Malkovich and his beach clothes? Sorry, John, but you just don’t hack it compared to Jesus. Better luck next time. See ya on the beach!

A Canadian Comedy Award winner, Michael Balazo has over a decade of stand up and sketch comedy experience. TV writing credits include This Hour Has 22 Minutes (CBC/DHX Media), Scare Tactics (Syfy), Hot Snack Radio (Showcase), and popcultured (Comedy Network). Michael is a regular on-air contributor to Day 6 (CBC Radio/PRI) and has written sketches for BBC Radio 4's Recorded For Training Purposes. His blog Toronto Sun Cover Reviews was so popular that it inspired a cease and desist letter.