Venn again, sometimes two seemingly unrelated things are actually closer than we thought.
What thread connects Benedict Cumberbatch and Ian Hanomansing? One is the alien-looking-yet-attractive British actor currently burning through the classics (Sherlock, Frankenstein, Star Trek) at a Patrick Stewart-y rate. The other is the Trinidadian-Canadian CBC news anchor with an equal measure of gravitas and friendly approachability. Sure, they’re both unconventionally handsome (Ian less so—dude’s got eyes like a midnight sea). But that’s only part of the picture.
Let’s all agree that nicknaming celebrities makes us human, shall we? We mourn the death of TomKat less for the actual split and more for the good fortune of having known them as such a ready-made portmanteau. Such moments of linguistic magic occur only so often (my favourite of these is a married improv duo I know whose last names, Weir and Dassie, create the delightful WeirDass). These seem less impressive when the target is just one person—ScarJo for example. And furthermore, guys, we can do better. May I present Bonenclature?
Bonenclature, itself a portmanteau (quel amazement!) occurs when a bone-able type has a name that allows for the creation of a soundalike sexy nickname. Thus, Ian Hanomansing becomes Ian Handsome-man-thing—truer words ne’er were spoke! And Benny Cums, well…there’s a veritable list to be made of Sherlock’s erotic syllables, but my personal favourite has to be Smoochadick Cumabunch. It’s not perfect, of course, but it is accurate. And that’s the main goal of Bonenclature—sexy results. Go forth, children, and Bonenclate.