Put on your shades and wax down your surfboard, ’cause this week’s Culture War is all about F in the S (fun in the sun)! First up, make a beeline for the box office, because I’m giving you the official Culture War Summer Movie Preview. Movies not your thing? Not to worry! Maybe you’ll prefer my review of World Naked Bike Ride Day, an event that combines the poetry of cycling with the prose of jiggly genitals. So, let’s compare these two unrelated ideas and have ourselves a good, old-fashioned Culture War!
Summer Movie Preview
We all know summer is the season when Hollywood dumps its hottest, steamiest movies on the public, and this is year is no exception. Let’s take a look at the spectacular crop of cinematic goodies that’ll see us through the sticky months!
Behind the Candelabra II: The Curse of the Black Pearl
Liberace and the gang are back for another fantastic adventure in the cutthroat world of Las Vegas nightlife. This time around, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson teams up with the outrageously camp pianist to save his love, the governor’s daughter, from Liberace’s former showbiz allies, who are now undead. (June 23)
Font Team Five
An action-packed thriller about the elite team of US marshals in charge of keeping an exciting new font from falling into Al-Qaeda’s hands. This movie has BLOCKBUSTER written all over it, with enough helicopter explosions, bouncing breasts, and tense debates about kerning to satisfy every taste. Featuring a stellar soundtrack by Radiohead’s Jonny Greenwood. (July 4)
The Hunk Who Died
Channing Tatum stars as a friendly hunk who passes away after getting squished by a meteor. (July 19)
Psychobilly in Chief
As America’s first Psychobilly president, Richee Frantic has to balance his passion for Psychobilly—the musical subgenre that merges ’50s rockabilly and ’70s punk with imagery lifted from B-grade horror and sci-fi movies—with his responsibilities as leader of the free world. And when North Korean agents kidnap Danish Psychobilly legends Nekromantix, things get personal! (July 23)
A big hit at Cannes, Sucrose Time stars Donald Sutherland and Scarlett Johansson as a pair of unlikely intergenerational lovers who form a deep bond over their shared interest in sucrose, AKA table sugar. Shot in stunning 3D, this movie is worth the price of admission alone for the scene where Donald Sutherland eats a bowl of sugar while shouting “I love sucrose!” at Scarjo. (August 1)
A silly li’l bug creeps and crawls across the floor and up the wall. Good heavens! (August 5)
Steven Spielberg’s much-anticipated reboot of the Popeye franchise, starring Samuel L. Jackson as an astonishingly foul-mouthed version of America’s favorite sailorman. The plot revolves around Popeye’s battle with Bluto (Jackie Chan) for the affection of Olive Oyl (Milla Jovovic). Oh, and keep your eyes peeled for the scene-stealing cameo from Patrick Stewart in his hilarious turn as a talking can of spinach. (August 21)
Is She This One?
Jennifer Lawrence and Matthew McConaughey star in this fairytale romcom set in modern NYC. She is a woman with a magazine subscription; he is a man with hundreds of MP3s. Despite their differences, they fall in love and have quite a big sex. No matter who you are, Is She This One? will have you believing in the power of love again. (August 9)
Transformers: the Musical
Everyone’s favorite shape-shifting robots make their musical debut in this fine-tuned machine of a movie. Standout numbers include Bumblebee’s Rap, the rousing, all-cast Do You Like Transformers? and the touching We Just Can’t See Eye to Eye!, a duet between the righteous Optimus Prime and his nemesis Megatron. WARNING: contains graphic vehicular sex scenes. (September 2)
What a Weirdo!
Errol Morris’ latest documentary in which he interviews a big dumb weirdo and somehow manages to make him look even more ridiculous than he already was. (Christmas Day)
World Naked Bike Ride 2013
Guess what? I saw 120 pairs of breasts, 200 penises 400 full butts and a handful of vaginas on the weekend. Am I some sort of spectacular degenerate? No; I merely witnessed World Naked Bike Ride (WNBR) on Saturday. If you haven’t heard of it, it’s an international event meant to celebrate cycling and the human body while simultaneously denouncing oil dependency. It also seemed to be an opportunity for old pervs to hang out with naked women for a few hours—but you won’t find that on the website!
Cycling naked for a better world sounds like fun, but I saw a dark side of WNBR that haunts me. I can’t forget the image of an unfortunate naked gentleman with a flat tire who stood helplessly on the sidewalk while his naked brethren cycled past with cool indifference. Not one of his fellow nakeds stopped to offer help. I felt particularly bad for the guy because I saw myself in him. “This is exactly what would happen to me if I participated in a naked event,” I thought. So, did I offer to help him? Of course not. That would’ve been weird. Also: the guy seemed to have a “semi,” as if he were getting a kick out of the situation. Creep.
This week’s winner is… summer movies! I can’t help it: I’m an incorrigible popcorn muncher and soda sucker and I love my summer flicks. Do you like movies, too? Send me an email. Until next time, catch ya at the multiplex!