Welcome to Wednesday, the Caesar salad of days!
A Vancouver cyclist was assaulted by a driver yesterday after the driver pushed him off the road. The man got out of the car and told the cyclist, "I have 15 years of Martial Arts training and I'm going to fuck you up." The real story here, however, are the pictures of the assault from witness Lucille Austero. They're pretty blurry, unsurprisingly, since Lucille often gets a touch of the dizzies.
The Chinese government is now exerting even firmer controls over what can and can't be published in the country. Last month Beijing issued a directive to all book publishers and editors, warning against certain types of "politically harmful" or "vulgar" content, and basically promising heavier-handed censorship to come. Authorities also seem increasingly keen to bring relatively freewheeling Hong Kong publishers into line with the rest of the country.
All those cleansing microbeads you've been using to wipe the shit off your face are clogging up the Los Angeles River. Also, we can still see your pores.
Are you a Lorde birther?
These German cows literally blew the roof off this house! With farts. They farted the roof off their barn. This is why you can't have nice things, cows.
No mother wants her kids hanging out with demons, but let's be honest, the cool thing about demonic possession is that it bodes well for the possibility of an afterlife.
Is Gawker just a Reddit feed reader with a Hipster-Docuhe filter turned on, or is Reddit just a Gawker tube buber with a freedom-hating napkin on its lap, or is The Awl just a karma whore with a strangely respectful comment section? Decide for yourself via Reddit's oral history of Gawker, compiled by The Awl.
Now we reach the G-spot of your day, which is TLDR, a podcast by PJ Vogt and Alex Goldman of WNYC's On the Media that condenses all the internet's humanity into 10-minute golden nuggets. In case you missed it, here is the (seriously) deeply moving story of the guy who has written 14,000 songs about whatever the heck and offered them for sale on Spotify; and here's their latest, on the saddest Youtube comments in the world.
Here is a great Dory Previn interview from 1977 in which she talks about making friends with schizophrenia, and which is almost certainly a less troubling read than this fair-enough-in-theory-but-tonally-unsettling defence of Woody Allen.
Alternate title for XOJane's latest little spit bubble of WTF, care of commenter og_cheeky: "IHTM: I was Just Trying to Do My Fucking Yoga and This Weird-Ass White Girl Kept Staring at Me with Tears in Her Eyes."
A lot of people are going to write a lot of stories about the Super Bowl this week before Sunday’s game, and this will almost certainly be the worst. Clown time is over.
What kind of writer are you? If you answered anything other than “boy writer” or “grown-up writer,” you are just making up nonsense terms and playing by your own crazy rules. Which, based on these descriptions, makes you a boy writer, probably. Congratulations!
“When the judge turned on the microphone so that Mr. Morsi could acknowledge his presence, he shouted out, ‘I am the president of the republic, and I’ve been here since 7 in the morning sitting in this dump.’” The former Egyptian leader, defending himself against charges that “many rights advocates consider implausible, to say the least,” spent his day in court inside a soundproof glass cage. Said Egyptian state television: “The glass cage was the hero of today’s trial.”
College athletes are finally attempting to unionize, after decades of playing for free and being publicly shamed for even suggesting they be compensated for their participation in activities that earn their schools millions upon millions of dollars every year. The NCAA is sad, suggesting such actions “undermine the purpose of college: an education.” They are not alone.
Elephants: gettin’ fat.
Image via.
