Morrissey’s feud with Jimmy Kimmel vs. Scott Weiland

A Canadian Comedy Award winner, Michael Balazo has over a decade of stand up and sketch comedy experience. TV writing credits include This Hour Has 22...

This week, I’ve got music on the mind, baby! Do you like to rock? Me too! Sometimes I rock eight, nine, ten hours a day, if I have the energy. Don’t believe me? That’s OK. I still think you’re groovy, baby!

Pardon. My free-spirited alter ego, Fingers, seems to have hijacked the beginning of this week’s column. Anyhow, like he said, this week’s two big stories come from the glamorous world of music. First, Morrissey’s duck-based feud with Jimmy Kimmel shows no sign of waning. The Mozzer is reportedly so upset with Kimmel that he hasn’t styled his quiff in over a week. And secondly, the American unemployment rate is higher—and cooler—than ever now that Scott Weiland has been fired from his position with Stone Temple Pilots. Being a musical legend has never been more exciting.

Morrissey is an artist whose talent for singing is rivaled only by his passion for feuding. The Royal Family, former band mates, David Bowie, the press, Asians, ghosts, air—he’s feuded with ‘em all. Basically, he’s a feud dude with a rude ‘tude, and his latest target is Jimmy Kimmel, who, perhaps unaware of the former Smiths singer’s legendary hatred of meat, booked Morrissey on the same episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live! as the cast of Duck Dynasty, a terrifying reality show about wealthy hillbillies who run a hunting equipment empire. Turns out, Morrissey was unwilling to share the spotlight with “animal serial killers,” so he canceled his appearance, setting off a nasty war of words with Kimmel that has cast a pall over America.

First of all, Animal Serial Killers is a way cooler name for a reality show than Duck Dynasty. But, more to the point, I’m ashamed of Morrissey for taking the easy way out. If he hates the Duck Dynasty men so much, he should have shown up on Kimmel’s set, ripped his shirt off, sighed, and beaten the living shit out of them. Morrissey’s not exactly a small guy, and it would have been fun to see him pile-drive men who look like refugees from a ZZ Top tribute act. Even if they overpowered him physically, I’m sure his devastating wit would have destroyed them emotionally. Who knows… there might have even been a hillbilly suicide or two.

From silly feuds we move to more serious business, namely Scott Weiland. Imagine waking up in a garbage can somewhere in America, your face covered in a mysterious goo that might be your own vomit, only to learn that you’ve been unceremoniously dumped from your band for no reason. No one deserves that, but it’s exactly what happened to Mr. Weiland, who apparently found out he’d been fired after reading about it “in the press.” Real classy, Pilots. You could have at least shouted the news into the garbage, like gentlemen.

If I were Scott Weiland, I’d hold my head high, wedge myself out of my garbage can/house, give my old buds from Velvet Revolver a call and reform my darn supergroup. I mean, Stone Temple Pilots were OK, but they had nothing on the Revolver. And I think I speak for the world when I say that we’d all like to hear those great V.R. hits like “Slither” and “She Builds Quick Machines” again as soon as possible.

The winner of this week’s Culture War is (drumroll) Morrissey’s feud with Jimmy Kimmel. I think Morrissey needs some positive reinforcement right now. Since the Kimmel affair, he’s become even more unhinged than usual, launching verbal attacks on Paul McCartney, Beyoncé, and all heterosexual men. If he doesn’t slow down soon, he’s going to run out of feuding partners—and then what? Is he going to feud with himself? Why, that would be ridiculous. So, take care, Morrissey. And next time, let your fists do the talking.

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A Canadian Comedy Award winner, Michael Balazo has over a decade of stand up and sketch comedy experience. TV writing credits include This Hour Has 22 Minutes (CBC/DHX Media), Scare Tactics (Syfy), Hot Snack Radio (Showcase), and popcultured (Comedy Network). Michael is a regular on-air contributor to Day 6 (CBC Radio/PRI) and has written sketches for BBC Radio 4's Recorded For Training Purposes. His blog Toronto Sun Cover Reviews was so popular that it inspired a cease and desist letter.