Welcome to 2013, everybody! We’re only a week in and so much has already happened that it’s hard to keep up: Hugh Hefner tricked a youngster into becoming his bride; Justin Bieber smoked illegal drugs; Madonna took a tumble on a ski hill; and the boy who plays the wolf in Twilight took a drunken whiz on the carpet of an airport lounge. But the year’s biggest news so far is that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are collaborating on a little baby.
Kanye broke the news that sexy gal pal Kim was preggers at a concert in Atlantic City when he told the audience to “stop the music and make noise for my baby mama.” The response was deafening. The audience was clearly proud of Kanye for successfully impregnating America’s favourite actress. And who can blame them?
Even though it’s not even born yet, this baby is the coolest person I know. I want to be him. The little guy is already a famous millionaire with no worries, whereas I am an obscure, frightened man, jealous and resentful of everyone and everything. Just the other day I swore at a bird for putting on airs. The day after that, I was kicked off the bus for trying to pay my fare with a handful of wet confetti. In other words, things are not “going well” for yours truly!
But, as cool as it is, will Kimye’s baby be sexy enough to take on 2013’s Glorious Potential? I’m literally dying of curiosity to see how wild the next twelve months will be, culturally speaking. And judging by some hot tips from friends of mine who work in the entertainment industry, most of the following things will happen in 2013:
- Radiohead will release a morose cover of Chuck Berry’s “My Ding-A-Ling.” The video will feature a bummed-out looking Thom Yorke fiddling around in his jogging pants.
- Author Stephen King will set the culinary world on fire when he publishes his 20,000 page Spooky Cookbook, written in a single sitting.
- The surviving members of The Beach Boys will unleash decades of pent-up fury and exact revenge on frontman Mike Love by holding him down and farting on his head.
- In an effort to improve declining sales, The New Yorker will begin publishing nude centrefolds of famous authors. First up: Philip Roth.
- Austrian director Michael Haneke will release an emotionally draining new film called Ouch! The plot will revolve around an impoverished widower who begins each day of his life by accidentally stubbing his toe on his bedframe and leaping up and down while screaming the film’s title. (Running time: 315 minutes.)
- Actor Peter Dinklage will leave Game of Thrones to host his own late night talk show called Nocturnal Dink.
- Comedian Billy Crystal will launch a Kickstarter campaign to raise money for the construction of a cannon powerful enough to shoot him into space forever.
- For unknown reasons, the phrase “Vote For Pedro” will become popular again.
My heart is pounding like a famous Hollywood jackhammer just thinking about all of these excellent things! So, sorry, to disappoint you, Kanye and Kim, but in my opinion, 2013’s Glorious Potential is the winner of the year’s first Culture War.
I wonder if I’ll ever have a baby? Write in with your thoughts.