Greetings, friends! It’s been a wonderful week, because two of my favorite cultural visionaries made the headlines. Few people have contributed as much good to civilization as these two gentlemen. Of course, I’m talking about the late Steve Jobs and Latino guitar legend Carlos Santana. First, the trailer for the Steve Jobs biopic, Jobs, hit the net. It’s like The Social Network, but slightly different. As for Carlos Santana, he just bought himself a $6.5 million fully automated mansion in Las Vegas. Typical millennial! So, let’s put these two legends up against each other and see who wins this week’s Culture War.
The Trailer for Jobs, the Steve Jobs Biopic (About Steve Jobs)
If I said the name Steve Jobs, chances are you wouldn’t know who that was or what the heck I was talking about. You might even get angry and punch me in the face out of sheer frustration—which makes me sad! That someone as influential as Steve Jobs has been allowed to languish in obscurity is a crime. Quick recap: he was our generation’s Christ, except instead of making wine and raising dead guys, he built an expensive computer in California. (I’d like to see Christ do that!) Luckily, Hollywood is doing its part to raise awareness about this forgotten hero with the new two-hour biopic/Apple commercial called Jobs.
From what I can gather from the trailer, Jobs is the classic tale of a man co-founding Apple, getting fired from Apple, going to India for a bit, then coming back to Apple again. Who can’t relate? Ashton Kutcher plays Jobs, and he certainly gets to wear a number of different beards. He also gets to stare into space like a mystic, become upset in a car, do intercourse with a woman(?), and launch the iPhone. What I’m saying is, this movie is my favourite movie of all time. The trailer may only be 2:20, but it totally taught me the importance of founding Apple computers. In fact, I’m going to go found it right after I finish this column—and you should, too!
Carlos Santana’s House
To most of us, Carlos Santana is the Steve Jobs of spicy hot guitar solos. His licks and riffs are so caliente that sometimes they make my ears burn and I have to pour milk in my ears to cool down my ears. Anyhow, enough about my ears. The real story is Carlos Santana’s new $6.5 million Las Vegas mansion. This house has it all: five bedrooms, six bathrooms, two game rooms, a home theater and one of Vegas’ largest infinity pools. (Just a head’s up, Carlos: do not go swimming with any of your guitars. Sure, it sounds fun, but you’ll ruin the darn things!) The coolest part of Chez Carlos? It’s fully automated. This means Carlos Santana can turn on the lights, control the A/C and even flush his six toilets without having to waste time fucking around with switches and dials.
I just hope Carlos Santana isn’t overwhelmed by the supernatural size of his new home. It has a lot of rooms. So many rooms, in fact, that the chances of him misplacing his signature bandana in one of them are alarmingly high. The last thing I want is for Carlos Santana to be wandering around his house in a panic shouting, “Has anyone seen my bandana?” That’s the last thing I want.
This week’s winner is… the Jobs trailer. With a little luck, this movie will help expose Steve Jobs and Apple to a wider audience. And let’s not stop with him. Let’s have biopics about all the great CEOs. Companies like Coca Cola, Home Depot, and General Mills—each one has a CEO. Why not get ‘em all up on the silver screen, where they can really shine? Exactly.