Hulk Hogan’s Sex Tape vs. Mila Kunis, the Sexiest Woman Alive

A Canadian Comedy Award winner, Michael Balazo has over a decade of stand up and sketch comedy...

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Ahhh. Can you smell it? Can you feel it dripping onto your naked body while we lie together on this motel bed, panting like a pair of dehydrated dogs? It’s S-E-X. The beast with two backs. The dance of desire. The Olde Kersploopey. In other words, it’s been a super sexy week, everybody! Not only did Hulk Hogan set tongues wagging with his debut as an erotic film actor, but the legendary actress Mila Kunis was named sexiest woman alive by Esquire. Why, I haven’t felt so randy in years! And I hope the feeling is mutual… because if I haven’t brought you to full climax by the end of this column, I’ll have failed as both a writer and a Christian.

Let’s not beat around the steroid-enhanced bush: this week we all saw Hulk Hogan’s genitals performing a number of “wrestling moves” he never had the guts to try on The Iron Sheik. To the delight of sex fans everywhere, “The Honkster” has become the latest celebrity to have a personal intercourse cassette leaked to the media. So, how could such an upright vitamin enthusiast behave so badly? I’m no expert, but it seems that his penis “pile drove” his brain into oblivion while his scrotum “axe bombed” his conscience into saying uncle to his best friend’s wife’s vagina. 1! 2! 3! and Hogan lost the match to his own genitals.

Unlike other commentators, I don’t care that “Honky Dogan” was married when this film was shot. Nor do I care that the woman he frigged is his best friend’s wife, or that his best friend is someone named “Bubba the Love Sponge.” What I care about is seeing Hulk Hogan use his body to express affection after so many years of seeing it used as nothing more than a medium for rumbling, slamming, and brawling. It fills my heart with joy to know that a man who’s lived through such turbulent times can still find solace in tender acts like banging the living hell out of a smoking hot babe.

Speaking of babes, Mila Kunis is officially better than every other woman on earth now that Esquire magazine has named her the sexiest woman alive. With good reason, too. Everything Mila Kunis does is bursting with sex: eating, yelling, leaping… even the way she sneezes contains more sex than most women can understand. Which makes me wonder: why can’t you be more like Mila Kunis, ladies? Surely you don’t expect the poor girl to do all the heavy lifting herself while you wander around being not as sexy as her? Unless you all pitch in and do your part, Mila Kunis could pass away from exhaustion before her term as Sex Ambassador is up. How you all sleep at night is beyond me!

It’s time to pick a winner between these two incorrigible horn dogs, and I’m going to have to go with Hulk Hogan. Call me a fuddy-duddy, but I didn’t grow up watching Mila Kunis wage war between good and evil—I watched Hulk Hogan do that as a boy, and it shaped my moral outlook. I also appreciate that “The Hongster’s” romance film was shot in black and white, a subtle tip of the hat to the Golden Age of Hollywood. So, congratulations, Hulk Hogan! In my eyes, you’re worth a dozen Mila Kunises. Keep it up, old friend.

I hope you enjoyed your orgasm.

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