How Many of Dick Cheney’s Problems Are Tobacco-Related? (All of Them)

A Canadian Comedy Award winner, Michael Balazo has over a decade of stand up and sketch comedy...

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The best online comments on the stories that matter, selected and annotated by Michael A. Balazo.

U.S. Government Reopens
The 16-day partial U.S. government shutdown ended last Thursday when President Obama signed a bill to reopen the federal government and lift the debt limit, allowing America to avoid a catastrophic economic meltdown that would have forced the country to switch to a cheaper brand of drone. So, how do regular people feel about the squabbling politicians at the root of the 16-day shutdown? Chicago Tribune commenter Gus Philpott pulled no punches, posting simply:

“Jerks! All of them.”

Also opining in the Tribune was one John Basilone, who wrote:

“it’s a two-headed snake, folks. Sorry to break it to you. Let the butthurt begin!”

Yikes! Somebody keep this freaky snake away from me. Having it crawl in and out of my butt all day is literally the last thing I need. Here on Canadian soil, Toronto Sun commenter Westy52 used a different scatological metaphor to flay the fatcats in Washington, posting:

“Why is it when normal people come home to find shiite up to their ceiling, they find the source of the shiite and stop it rising. These guys just raise the ceiling.”

Wise words from a Scottish man(?) who seems to know how to handle a feces-infested house. But perhaps Globe and Mail commenter LYLE LYLE CROCODILE summed it up best when he commented:

“Good grief!

What a bunch of Yankee Doodles.”

You’ve got to have some pretty big balls to say something like that on the Internet!

Fancy Couple To Moisten Son
Prince George, the small baby who Kate Middleton squeezed out of her body in July, is to be christened on Wednesday in what the Royals are promising will be a very low-key ceremony. So, no glitz and glamour; just a normal baby and his parents, the Queen of England and the head of the Anglican Church, getting together in a gilded palace in the name of Christ. How does the public feel about all this? Yahoo news commenter Stephen H was unhappy to hear about the christening, writing:

“Bleuch !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Eww, Stephen! You’ve gotten mucus all over my nice white slacks. At Britain’s Daily Express, reader JessB was also critical, writing:

“I do not know one person who would wish to go to that. And I know loads of people.”

Sounds like you’re popular. I wish I were popular. I hardly know anyone. And the people I do know? They don’t respect me. But I digress! CNN commenter Foxter actually had some nice things to say about the christening, writing:

“Hope they are blessed with many more children. It’s great that they are having their child christened.”

Bleuch !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cheney Heart Fears Revealed
During a recent interview with 60 Minutes, former U.S. Vice President and torture enthusiast Dick Cheney revealed that he once feared that terrorists could use the defibrillator that had been implanted near his heart to kill him and had his doctor disable its wireless function. Sounds reasonable to me. But many Netizens weren’t so happy to hear from old Dick. Writing on CNN, commenter anononodon posted:

“I hope he dies.”

How completely rude. This is someone’s grandpa we’re talking about here, sir or madam. Have some respect. Maybe CBC commenter zapdam has something nicer to say:

“This war criminal , this self confessed torturer, should be languishing in a jail cell in the Criminal Court in the Hague , awaiting trial for war crimes and crimes against humanity”

Forget heart attacks. After reading that comment, Dick Cheney might die of a broken heart! Luckily, Guardian commenter BANTOBACCONOW is thinking rationally and has some advice for Dick Cheney, writing:

“All his problems caused by use of the TOBACCO DRUG, which KILLS 14,000 addicts and another 1,800 INNOCENT people (who were exposed to TOXIC TOBACCO SMOKE) around the world, EVERY DAY!

BAN THE TOBACCO DRUG, NOW AND PROSECUTE THE CRIMINAL TOBACCO PUSHERS, TOO!”

The moral: someone should send Mr. Cheney an e-cigarette.

Titanic Violin Auctioned
A violin believed to have played on the Titanic before the doomed vessel sank was auctioned for $1.7 million on Saturday. The instrument was found strapped to the body of Titanic bandmaster Wallace Hartley after he drowned, a fact that didn’t sit too well with some people, including Toronto Sun commenter Culchee, who wrote:

“This is akin to grave robbing.”

I know! And I’ve never felt more alive!

CNN reader NoMoreRetoric Rodger ignored the violin altogether, and addressed the question on everyone’s mind:

“Hypothermia likely killed him as it did many others, even those with life vests.”

I would honestly hate to die that way. Still… $1.7 million is a lot of money! Huffington Post reader Highball threw a curveball, asking:

“Does anyone know what happened to the girl who was auctioning off her virginity? That was a wild story.”

I have some bad news. That virginity girl? She also died of hypothermia. And James Cameron is making a movie about her life. If you need to talk to someone about it, give me a call.

CeeLo Ecstatic 
Jolly singer CeeLo Green has been accused of slipping ecstasy to a woman he then had sex with. Even though this all sounds a bit, y’know, rapey, the star of The Voice will not be charged with sexual assault. So, what do you think? CNN commenter Canuck:

“i wish someone would slip me an ecstasy…so fun!!”

Exactly. The only drug people ever slip me is krokodil, and take my word for it, that drug is a major league bummer. Do you have any idea how hard it is to let yourself go on the dance floor when your skin is rotting off and your jawbone is turning into goo? It stinks.


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