When you work in Canadian television, like I do, you often hear criticism like, “Why does Canadian TV have to be so fearless, innovative and face-meltingly excellent? Would it kill you to make a little derivative garbage every now and then?” And that’s just Mother! Well, don’t fret, people of Canada: CTV heard your cries and it’s bringing long-running reality game show The Amazing Race to our proud nation.
If you’ve never seen it, The Amazing Race is a show where pairs of obnoxious people travel to exotic locations around the globe, insult foreigners, have nervous breakdowns, and compete against each other for $1 million. The Canadian version is slightly different (i.e. better), in that all the action will take place within Canada’s borders, which means the odds of seeing someone cry in New Brunswick are very high. The grand prize hasn’t been announced yet, so I assume it’s considerably more than $1 million. Should you apply to be a contestant or not? Let the Culture War battle begin!
Have you ever dreamed of scrambling around Canada in a panic while yelling at a good friend or your spouse—on camera? Do you hate leaving Canada for any reason? Have you already been turned down by Canada’s Next Top Model, The Bachelor Canada, Canadian Idol and the reality show I just made up called Are You A Canada? If so, you should definitely apply for a spot on The Amazing Race Canada.
Applying is easy. All you have to do is make a three-minute video that shows how amazing you and your teammate are. This should be simple—unless you’re not amazing. Are you amazing? I thought I was amazing, but my application video was rejected because part of my face had blood on it and the other part had mayonnaise. Apparently, that’s not amazing. The lesson: always be sure to wipe your face if you want to be on camera. I know you can do it.
Sure, being a reality star sounds fun, but there are just as many reasons not to apply to be on The Amazing Race Canada. Maybe—just maybe—running around Canada and taking a shivery dump on a snowy mountainside doesn’t sound that appealing to you. Maybe you don’t like the idea of appearing on national television screaming, “I TOLD YOU SUDBURY WAS THE OTHER WAY, YOU F**KING IDIOT! OH MY GOD I WANT A F**KING DIVORCE!” at your teammate. Maybe you’re afraid of having your life destroyed by Canadian reality TV fame, like so many others.
And then there are the hidden dangers. Perusing the show’s website, I was alarmed to read that applicants should be “totally okay with eating strange parts of strange animals.” Does this mean I’d have to mow down on a hippo’s butt or chew a piece off Gowan’s neck? Count me out, friends! Ryan Malcolm would never sink to such depths and neither will I.
The winner of this week’s battle is not applying to be on the Amazing Race Canada. It’s just too dangerous. Sure, you’ll become a super famous TV personality, make hundreds of millions of dollars, and have access to the sexiest women alive but the tradeoff is you’ll lose your privacy and gentle ways. And think of the physical risks. During the course of the game, you could die any number of horrific ways: falling off the CN Tower, getting tasered by cops in Vancouver, or exploding in Saskatchewan. You’ll be much safer staying at home where nothing can kill you. Plus, you’ll have a modern toilet, which is, for my money, the most amazing thing of all.