40 Things I’ve Done In A Drunken Stupor That Aren’t Crack Cocaine

Scaachi Koul is a senior writer at BuzzFeed Canada, formerly the managing editor of Hazlitt. Her debut collection of essays, The Pursuit of...

Follow @Scaachi

Recent Articles

 

40. Threw up everywhere.

39. Looked for pebbles in my backyard that are shaped like hearts.

38. Told my mom she is my best friend.

37. Took an 8-hour day-nap.

36. Cried over the ending of Dawson’s Creek without watching any previous episodes.

35. Stared at my face in the mirror and thought about what it would be like to be white. (Seems like it would be okay.)

34. Ate one of those Pizza Hut pizzas where the crusts are filled with cream cheese and meatballs.

33. Ate one of those Pizza Hut pizzas where the crusts are tiny hot dogs.

32. Called my high school boyfriend to ask him for the time.

31. Wore leggings as pants.

30. Bet a guy that my iPhone was waterproof.

29. Planted myself in the middle of a heavily wooded area in Calgary and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.

28. Called my dad and promised him I wasn’t drunk because I NEVER DRINK and have also never been touched by a boy, Papa, I swear.

27. Pop Rocks. They’re so much fun!

26. Tried to hit my boyfriend in the face with a two-litre beer stein shaped like a boot.

25. Chatted up the 7-Eleven attendant while he politely tried to escort me out of the bulk candy aisle.

24. Wrapped Twizzlers around the frames of my reading glasses.

23. Dated someone who referred to himself as “The Wind.”

22. Threatened to eat six Big Macs.

21. Ate six Big Macs.

20. Purchased one of those boyfriend pillows on Amazon.

19. Tweeted that I thought Margaret Wente “has a point sometimes if you really think about it.”

18. Absinthe.

17. Tried to teach myself how to juggle with an apple and two eggs.

16. Made a sailor hat for my cat out of old newspapers.

15. Filled a room with my farts.

14. Fell asleep on the kitchen floor in a bolero that wasn’t even mine.

13. Called my three-year-old niece and told her to never let a man tie her down.

12. Laughed like a bossy hyena at someone’s joke for 20 full minutes, 19 minutes and 40 seconds after everyone else had stopped laughing.

11. Tried to make friends with someone who uses the word “hubby” unironically.

10. Smoked weed out the window of my high school journalism class after everyone left.

9. Attempted to smoke one of those peach-flavoured cigarillos that actually taste like antifreeze.

8. Planned a trip with a friend to New Hampshire to see a three-on-three high school basketball game.

7. Changed my current employment on LinkedIn to “gIrL oF yOuR dReAmS.”

6. Made my older brother a birthday card that said, “I’m glad we don’t talk that much.”

5. Drew penises in the snow.

4. Drew penises on my own face.

3. Went out with a guy who once told me he wanted to become “a professional train-hopper.”

2. Wrote this list.

1. Voted for Rob Ford.

Image via

Next

Tuca the Toucan: Hotels
Fresh out of jail Tuca seeks the comfort of the closest hotel…