Welcome to Well, That Sucked, our weekly compendium of exactly what it sounds like. Thrown in this week’s garbage: CNN’s cracker contingent.
First, they brought back Crossfire, and I said nothing. Then they ignored Wendy Davis’ filibuster, and I didn’t speak out, because I’m actually really worried about how many calories are in blueberry muffins and ugh, they’re so good!
But then, then they came for the crackers.
Earlier this week, CNN hosted a six-person debate, with Don Lemon at the helm, discussing whether calling someone a nigger is worse than calling someone a cracker. (It absolutely is, in case you’re wondering.)
Someone, somewhere at CNN, spent money on this. They made calls. They put Lemon in a suit. They got Russell Simmons’ political advisor to join. They told everyone not to ask, “Why does Russell Simmons need a political advisor?” out loud. They also told everyone not to ask, “Oh, and why is he here?”
Rachel Jeantel, the star witness in the George Zimmerman trial, prompted the segment. In court, she said that Trayvon Martin told her a “crazy-ass cracker” was following him. Jeantel told the court that she didn’t consider it a racially charged word.
The segment goes on for a while. Oddly enough, the panelists actually agree with each other, and yet they continue to argue, as if to say that yes, of course, nigger is a word worse than cracker, but do you want to come to definitive conclusions about contentious societal issues or do you want to fill 10 minutes of airtime?
We all know what “nigger” means, its history, and why you really shouldn’t say it. But the word “cracker” is also a racially charged pejorative, referring to the men who whipped black slaves. Zimmerman isn’t a white man, but he was chasing after a black kid. With a gun. Because he thought he was a threat purely based on race. Who he then shot. And killed.
So calling him a cracker—someone who historically beat black slaves with a whip—isn’t completely far off. It’s also not that bad of an insult, since it still suggests that the white person is in power. An oppressor, a terrible person, a monster—sure. But in power. Nigger isn’t a word that denotes power.
Looking at it purely logistically: George Zimmerman was, in many ways, a crazy-ass cracker. Allegedly.
It’s also worth mentioning that while CNN couldn’t even bring itself to write “nigger” on its crawl, there are strikingly few people fearful of the cracker aisle. Or maybe you are. I don’t know your life.
The only redeeming portion of the broadcast was that LeVar Burton of Reading Rainbow fame—or, Star Trek, but whatever—was also on the panel and was, inevitably, the most thought-provoking and interesting part of it.
And then Don Lemon cut him off because he wanted to hear himself talk some more.
Don Lemon interrupted Kunta Kinte.
This truly is the golden age of media, what with CNN a step away from debating whether the Richard Pryor/Chevy Chase word association skit should be aired on television, and the Washington Post basically saying, “Please, arrest our writers.” Maybe next, The New York Times can run an investigative piece about how women in congress wear purses OH WAIT THEY DID.
I had absolutely no idea that women—even congresswomen!—wear purses on a day-to-day basis. I thought that’s what their breasts were for; compartments for their keys and wallet and tampons and feelings.
At this point, it almost feels unfair to make fun of CNN. It’s just too easy, like making fun of a company run by a petulant child, or a jack-in-the-box without a head.
So: let this be the last time we have to debate whether cracker or nigger is worse. Let us ignore Crossfire when it comes back on the air, Newt Gingrich’s big dumb face sweating under television lighting. Let us not get too upset when they can’t get their Egypt coverage right.
If I’ve learned anything from my family and my friends and my relationships and the few times that I have followed my dreams, if you expect nothing, you can’t be disappointed. We clearly hold CNN at a standard too high for them to reach, so we just need to lower the bar. And by low, I mean TMZ low. Like, upskirt shots of Ruth Bader Ginsburg low.
Your heart can’t be broken if you just pretend you never had one in the first place.
Well, That Sucked appears every Friday.
