Welcome to Well, That Sucked, our weekly compendium of exactly what it sounds like. Thrown in this week’s garbage: orange human John Boehner.
Poor House Speaker John Boehner: sulking around Washington, D.C., huffing and puffing that no one will play with him. He keeps asking everyone to come outside and go to the park but no one wants to leave their rooms! Just because he won’t let anyone touch his ball and cries when he has to be It when they play Tag and blames everyone else when he trips on his own shoelaces doesn’t mean that everyone has to be such big jerks to him. Don’t they know they have to play fair?
He, after all, has compromised plenty already. On Tuesday, he said that a short-term deal to reopen the government would be tantamount to “unconditional surrender.” And Boehner doesn’t surrender. He’ll dig his heels in and act like a petulant child in front of the entire world and shut down services for millions of people across the United States and get tanner and tanner, looking increasingly like a sad, floppy basketball, but he will not surrender.
Still, it isn’t just Boner (not sorry) who’s having a tough time with this now 11-day-long government shutdown. Sure, nearly everyone is worse off, since the government is literally doing nothing, but no one has considered the effects on our least represented class: 20-something girls with daddy issues wearing bandage dresses while sitting at the bar.
Won’t someone please think of the sugar babies?
Two websites catering to sugar babies and the men who placate them are reporting boosts ever since the government shutdown started. SeekingArrangement.com, the largest sugar baby-to-daddy dating site, says they’ve experienced a 50 percent jump in daily signups. WhatsYourPrice.com, where you can bid for dates, says its sign-ups went from 500 to 900 a day.
It’s not entirely clear why they’ve gotten an increase in users, but representatives for SeekingArrangement.com think it might be because of the programs no longer available to mothers. (North Carolina’s Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants and Children is leaving, oh, a few million moms and babies without food.) The sites suggest that women—particularly single moms or students—are seeking new forms of revenue that happen to involve hanging out with old white men in ties. Or so says every stock image I find when I Google this story.
But hey, no big deal: it’s not like women who rely on government services are now having a hard time making sure they can feed their fucking kids. Even military death benefits aren’t being handled in-house, but rather, by a charity. They already shut down the zoo. Making sure people lose basic privileges seems like the next step.
Thanks, Obama.
But no one has it harder than poor Johnny Bones. He just wants to fix things, don’t you see? He just wants everyone to get back to work, no matter the cost, except his party can’t come off looking like they lost. All he wants is to compromise so they can get to an agreement with the Democrats! (For the record, the actual definition of “compromise” is, “If you just buy me this jawbreaker, I’ll stop kicking and screaming and pull myself off the floor of this grocery store and we can go home without any more problems, Mom.”)
So what’s a boy to do? Well, he’ll round up the neighbourhood gang. Strength in numbers! Teddy Cruz is already on his way, clutching his well-worn copy of Green Eggs and Ham. Randy “You Ought To Be Ashamed” Neugebauer is getting on his bike now and he’ll be here any minute to yell at strangers.
Together, the three of them can fight anyone and anything, even if it’s the government currently in power, or members of their own party, or just tangible reality. No one halts progress like these coiffed turds. And no one—no one!—can throw a temper tantrum quite like they can. But hey, go ahead and try to beat them at their own game. They love a challenge.
Well, That Sucked appears every Friday.
