Although the story of the Black Guerilla Family ringleader Tavon White impregnating four different prison guards and fathering five children with them, all while he was incarcerated in a Maryland jail is just now reaching the public, I’ve known about it for several months. A relative of mine has been confined in the same prison as White and was able to facilitate a correspondence between us.
Prisoner #1085
Baltimore City Detention Center
Mr. White:
I really want to thank you for taking the time to talk to me, as you’re obviously both busy and important. My uncle, whom you know as Countess, says absolutely the best things about you and wants you to know that he will always and forever be your Dawg.
I’m not sure I can articulate just how impressed I am by your accomplishments! Impregnating four different prison guards while jailed is just about the coolest thing I have ever heard, and the fact that two of them got your name tattooed onto their flesh just makes it even cooler. Frankly, my head explodes when I think that one of them got your name inked across her throat. That must have really hurt, and truly, there is no greater declaration of love than a throat tattoo.
I bow down to you, for you are a master, and sir, I desperately need a life coach. I feel kind of invisible in the world, like I don’t even have any influence over my own life, and I was hoping you might be willing to help.
I’ll get to the point. I coach a recreational coed floor-hockey team and I don’t have the respect of my players. Because I had a piece of corn stuck in my moustache (it was for Movember) at one game, all my players now refer to me as Niblet. They don’t listen to a thing I say and can be quite cutting with their remarks. How can I get them to fear and love me, so that they will always bow to my will?
In awe,
Michael Murray
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Murray:
Countess told me about you, said you won’t go anywhere without your sleep apnea mask. Look, you can’t be subordinate to anybody or anything in this world—even a sleep apnea mask. You need to command respect. I can do that using my eyes, voice, fists or money. Tell me, what quality do you have that commands the respect of other people?
T
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Prisoner #1085
Baltimore City Detention Center
Mr. White:
I’m pretty good at word games like Scrabble, and I’m not afraid to do what it takes (like use an online anagram solver) to win. I like to think that commands respect. Should I challenge Julie—she’s the mouthiest on the team—to a Scrabble match?
Michael Murray
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Murray:
NO.
Forget about your Scrabble.
You look Julie straight in the eyes and you hold steady. Speaking from your diaphragm, say, “I name myself. I am Coach Murray. Not Niblet—Coach Murray, and I am the power.” If she seems confused, say it again, never breaking eye contact, then add, “Do you understand what I’m saying?”
That should do the trick. Send Countess as much Sudafed as possible.
T
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Prisoner #1085
Baltimore City Detention Center
Mr. White:
I’m pretty sure I know what you want with the Sudafed and I am TOTALLY cool with that. I am a huge fan of Breaking Bad. My wife even threw a Breaking Bad–themed birthday party for me when I turned 40. There was a drug-dealer piñata and when you hit it, loose change and teeth fell out. It was pretty cool.
I’m afraid I chickened out when Julie called me Niblet at our last game. She was standing beside Anisha when she said it, and Anisha is absolutely stunning, especially when wearing yoga pants, as she was that night, and I just kind of lost my train of thought.
I guess the truth is the women make me a little bit skittish.
I’m really sorry about this and apologize for letting you down. The last thing I want to do is waste your time.
Michael Murray
PS: I have heard that Jay-Z is the mastermind behind the Illuminati. Is this true?
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Niblet:
You need to be a man, especially around the pretty ones. People know when you’re lying, even when you’re not saying anything. You need to tell Anisha that she’s stunning, especially in those fine yoga pants, and then you tell Julie exactly what I told you to tell her, got it?
And as long as you keep sending Sudafed, you’re not wasting my time.
T
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Prisoner #1085
Baltimore City Detention Center
Mr. White:
Is there anything in particular I should wear when I do this? My wife thinks I look good when I wear a gingham shirt with one of those skinny ties.
Respectfully,
Niblet
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Niblet:
No gingham, just get a dollar sign tattooed beneath your right eye.
Double the Sudafed deliveries or I break Countess in half.
Start moving.
T
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Prisoner #1085
Baltimore City Detention Center
Mr. White:
More Sudafed? No problem! I have bad allergies and a delicate immune system in general and buy a lot of the stuff anyway, so it shouldn’t arouse any suspicion. I hope that this doesn’t bother you, but I have to admit that I’m really feeling your power right now. It’s like electricity coursing through my body! You’ve got amazing charisma! Do you need a mule? I would totally be a mule for you. Just say the word.
Yours in Christ and cold pills,
Nibs
PS: Are you on Facebook? Can I friend you?
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