On October 5th, the James Bond film franchise turned 50. The popular culture that shaped me as a boy—the decade that approximated the years between 1975 and 1985—placed me under the unfortunate reign of Roger Moore. Moore, if you’ll recall, was the clownish, campy James Bond. Imagine growing up thinking that this version of 007 was the epitome of masculine cool? What chance did I have? Zero, as my gym teacher so memorably told me after my grade 10 pommel horse routine—“Zero, Murray.”
Having Roger Moore as my lodestar was an experience that molded me in horrible and disfiguring ways, predetermining the course of my life in a much more persuasive and profound way than my astrological sign ever did. With this in mind, I have rebooted the Zodiac Table so that it more accurately reflects the cultural signposts that were to direct the course of the lives of boys who grew up between 1975 and 1985.
Match Game (March 21-April 19)
If you were born under this sign you will like fart jokes and be scared of girls. It is a certainty that you’re very poor at word association and collect stamps. Lucky colour is eggshell white.
The Bermuda Triangle (April 20-May 20)
Those born under the sign of the Bermuda Triangle have questing, adventurous natures. As you’re fearless, many look to you for leadership, but you are a horrible leader and often guide people into disastrous situations. BT's achieve notoriously catastrophic results when it comes to setting up their friends and are best leading lives of isolation. Favourite cities: Owen Sound, Santiago, and Hamilton.
The Montreal Canadiens (May 21-June 20)
If you were born under this sign you’re really good looking and might now be an actor or yoga instructor. Because of this, you get more attention than you deserve and often find yourself unable to live up to other people’s expectations. Many who are born under this sign are secret drinkers and cutters.
Penthouse Magazine (June 21-July 22)
You have unusually large eyes that many people mistake for soulfulness, but you are not at all soulful. This misperception imbues you with great powers of seduction, which is why many born under this sign live a life of crime. Carrots often cause digestive issues.
The Clown From Poltergeist (July 23-August 22)
Only white people are born under this sign. Suspicious and resourceful, TCFP person tends to be a loner. Ted Kaczynksi was a TCFP. It is probable, if not certain, that people born under this sign attended the prom with their best friend—another marginalized loner and his date, the marginalized loner girl with literary aspirations—and that you all ended up with Irritable Bowel Syndrome and in debt. It is written.
Rubik’s Cube (August 23-September 22)
Those born under this sign are excellent at mathematics but terrified of sex. People think you’re weird, maybe religious. In fact, many Rubik Cubians are susceptible to cults. Fear snakes and most antibiotics.
KISS (September 23-October 22)
Those born under the sign of the KISS Army are very masculine, particularly the gay men. Many find satisfying careers in the military or security industries. You are unpopular with people and prefer to maintain a basement existence. Many important serial killers, like Jeffery Dahmer, were born under KISS.
Atari (October 23-November 21)
Those who are born under the sign of Atari are exceptional lovers. Complexity and passion surge through this sign and emotional outbursts may often be misinterpreted which is why many Ataris are swarmed or beaten in malls.
White Boys Trying To Break Dance (November 22- December 21)
This is an extremely stubborn sign. You have confidence that wildly surpasses your ability and often find yourself in politics. Justin Trudeau is a WBTTBD.
Amityville Horror (December 22-January 19)
Those born under this sign are typically the life of the party. Outgoing and vivacious, the Amityville Horrorian is always willing to gamble and take a chance. Gifted with strong bones and muscles, you may make a great restaurant critic, farmer or luxury boutique owner, but should stay away from real estate. Sleep troubles may be an issue.
The Soviet Union (January 20- February 18)
Those born under this sign love mystery and intrigue! They enjoy routine, conspiracy theories and sex tapes. Your children will hate you. Many are good at finding money. Lucky number 9.
John McEnroe (February 19-March 20)
Those born under this sign are often blessed with great talent but always have a hard time harnessing this in a likeable way. People tend to hate you and say bad things about you just as soon as you leave the room. You will never earn your father’s love and will be disrespected by your pet. Death by water.