Welcome to Well, That Sucked, our weekly compendium of exactly what it sounds like. Thrown in this week’s garbage: a wretched vegetable that no one likes unless it’s in Chinese food and even then, we’re barely putting up with its presence.
If you don’t expect your government to lie to you, than you’re either an optimist or a dummy. Those things are often one in the same. What’s surprising are the ways in which our governments lie to us.
As a part of his wife’s anti-obesity campaign, noted Communist sympathizer Barack Obama claimed that broccoli is his favourite food. Not his favourite vegetable. Not his favourite plant. His favourite food.
This is a bold and completely absurd load of bullshit. Calling broccoli your favourite food is like saying Janet was your favourite on Three’s Company. No one likes Janet. Everyone felt bad for Janet. You chose Janet if your friends picked Crissy or Jack or even Mr. Roper as the best character and you felt for inferior, high-strung Janet. And then you grew up and cut your hair too short and flipped out at your roommate for leaving her shoes in the living room and realized that you turned into Janet, your greatest fear, your biggest failure. Janet is the worst.
This isn’t about me.
Obama made the scurrilous claim to a gaggle of children who, I assume, he hoped were too stupid to question such a boldly facetious claim. But I don’t think even kids are stupid enough to think that the President of the United motherfucking States actually opts to eat broccoli. If I were a kid thinking about what the president ate, it would probably be far more opulent than something I only eat if my mom holds me down and shoves it down my larynx. Like lobster or unnecessarily complicated burgers (why does everything have to have avocado on it now?) or the grilled heads of my constituents, JUST BECAUSE I CAN.
“I will feast on your brains, for I am President Zombie.” (Also, the first female president! I’m breaking glass ceilings all over the place.)
It’s clear he’s lying. Do you know how many images come up with you do a Google search for “Barack Obama eating hot dogs?” A lot. The man loves his simple carbohydrates.
But even if it isn’t true, broccoli is now synonymous with a notoriously unpopular president. Obama, with his toxic brand and sinking approval rating, is dragging broccoli down with him—even when it has enough bad press without him.
More than likely, this is some not-so-subtle attempt by Obama to promote socialist Obamacare on unsuspecting kids. We all know that Obamacare literally kills people—like goes right up to them and strangles them dead with its belt—but did we ever think about the more gradual effects on American citizens? Obama is basically telling these kids that Obamacare isn’t actually going to take care of them, so they better eat vegetables and ONLY vegetables because one or two heart attacks and they’ll be toast. Also, no toast; there’s gluten in that and everybody on Earth is gluten-intolerant, apparently.
America the beautiful, suddenly replete with celiacs.
And science also seems eager to screw around with broccoli, too, genetically breeding it so that it can thrive in hot summers instead of wilt and become even more disgusting than it actually is. Solving a problem no one said they had, researchers have created a version that stays fresher for longer.
And guess what? It still doesn’t taste good!
But no longer can a vegetable just be a vegetable, it needs to be some quasi-nonperishable item manufactured for optimal shipping and consumption. Broccoli is now being used as a political tool for a left-wing Trotskyite who tricked his way into the White House and is flaunting his support of Big Science meddling in nature’s business. It’s just not God’s way. But what else could we expect from a Muslim president?
Not even Janet would stoop so low.
Well, That Sucked appears every Friday.
