Traversing the Sixth Dimension: The Journals of John McAfee

Michael Murray currently lives and works in Toronto. He has an extensive wardrobe and is a...

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We’ve all pursued reckless, improbable and prurient curiosities while surfing the net. If not for John McAfee, every time we followed a link that promised REAL FOOTAGE OF JFK HAVING SEX WITH MARILYN MONROE or some other dubious, socially ostracized interest, our computers would have exploded. McAfee was a pioneer in the world of anti-virus software and virus scanners, and as such, let many of us fearlessly blunder down all the pernicious avenues that comprise the Internet. Fortunately, he was duly compensated for his brilliance. The software company founded in his name sold to Intel for 7 billion dollars in 2010.

At some point, like many people freed from the necessity of making a living, McAfee began pursuing a variety of hobbies that included yoga, bacterial quorom sensing, experiments with mind-bending drugs like MDPV, and Nunchuck artistry.

Most recently, in the interest of enhacing his personal growth, McAfee has been living in Belize where MDPV is legal. But after becoming increasingly unpredictable and paranoid—he was described as “bonkers” by Belize’s prime minister—McAfee is now a “person of interest” in a murder case and is on the run from the law. He maintains his innocence, and in spite of being on the lam, has been updating his blog as often as possible.

This is his journal…

Day 1
I am street smart like a sober, super hobo. Yesterday I eluded the dark forces that pursue me by pretending to be a drunk German tourist with a partially bandaged face. Wearing Speedo swimming trunks and a distasteful Hawaiian shirt, I yelled obscenities at anyone who would listen. I even exposed myself to three people. It was fun. However, I am running dangerously low on orange Power Drinks and fear I could become dehydrated. Muscle cramps could be my downfall.

Day 2
Evaded predators today by dressing in brown and doing the Plank for 17 hours so as not to attract any attention. As I prophesized, muscle cramps are proving to be a problem. I am now storing my urine in empty orange Power Drink bottles that I tape to my calves, as wild dogs will not eat you if they believe you have powerful legs.

Day 3
Traversing into the Sixth Dimension proved more difficult than I had anticipated. The Serpents were relentless and I am concerned that my muscle cramps could be something more serious, perhaps a virus caused by burrowing, government controlled micro-drones. I am going to construct a rudimentary CT scanner in order to do a thorough search for an internal infestation. Bowel movements have become erratic.

Day 4
I was very high and hid in mud all day.

Day 5
On a scale of 1 to 50, I think I only achieved a 32 in terms of enlightenment today. I felt at one with the clouds and wind, but the birds were very irritating. They looked disloyal and intent on giving my position away to enemies.

Day 6
The MDPV is accelerating my brain and consciousness. The authorities will never catch me. A legion of Sherlock Holmeses and their Ninja assistants couldn’t catch me. I can move between dimensions. If there is ever a Survivor: Belize, I would dominate. I am the mother of dragons.

Day 7
Just said screw it and took the day off and went to see a movie called, Sufrir Como Dedos Que No Sangran. I’m not sure what it was about, but it could well have been the story of a super wealthy genius being wrongly pursued for killing a stupid, intransigent man whose dogs would never, ever, ever stop barking. It spoke to me, this movie. Wanted to see Skyfall but it was sold-out.

Day 8
Realized Mayan Prophecy about End of Time on December 21 2012 is about me. Salvaged enough material to construct makeshift CT Scanner and have discovered that my body has been overwhelmed by micro-drones. I am now on a Paleolithic diet.

Day 9
Today I discovered that there are more lacing possibilities than I ever suspected.

If you feed one of the 12 eyelets on your shoes from either inside or outside, that’s 24 possible ways to start. I like to think of it as sewing shut something that needs to be sewn shut. If you continue in this manner through the 11 remaining eyelets, you multiply your lacing options by 22. Eventually, the possible ways to lace your sneakers will be 24 x 22 x 20 x 18 x 16 x 14 x 12 x 10 x 8 x 6 x 4 x 2, equaling 1,961, 990, 553, 600. The Mayans knew this, that’s why they wore sandals.

Day 10
I have discovered what entity I have been receiving transmissions from. I thought it was my spirit guide but it was not. I am in peril and out of shoelaces.

Day 11
Today I disguised myself as a lady and met three young tourists from Canada in the countryside. They had orange Power Drinks. I had no choice.

Day 12
I travel with the big cats now. As graceful as the night, we negotiate the countryside and sleep in trees as we push toward eternity.

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Photo by Brian Finke