With the Mayan calendar predicting the end of time on December 21, 2012, people all across the world have been beset by a terrible anxiety. As I’m widely regarded as a wise, calming presence, I’ve been inundated with emails from people seeking guidance. As a result I started up an End Times advice column called Ask Doctor Doom.
Dear Doctor Doom,
This Mayan Apocalypse thing is really going to ruin Christmas. I was expecting to get some really good stuff this year, but now, not knowing if anything will still be here on the 25th, I don’t know what to do. Should I live for the moment and open everything up now, hoping I get Battlefield 3 (it would help hone my skills for Zombies and other post-apocalyptic predators) or just relax, hope for the best and wait for Christmas Day like my parents have told me?
Answer: It will be death by fire and water on the 21st, so I say open up your presents now, kiddo! Also, if you’ve not yet tried alcohol, you should absolutely do that, too! Vodka is a great place to start.
Dear Doctor Doom,
What music do you think is appropriate for the end of the world? I’m planning on having some people over for a last supper and when the clock strikes midnight, I want to make sure we have the perfect musical ambience for the melting of time. Please advise!
Answer: Well, you can’t go wrong with classics like Beethoven’s “Ode To Joy” or Mozart’s “Requiem.” They’re tasteful and holy, appropriate for the annihilation of a planet, and if you want something a little more contemporary, you could try Brian Eno or Sigur Ros, but PLEASE don’t be afraid to be your self as that’s what the end of the world is all about! If you like to rock, you should rock! It’s your time, so stop thinking about others and dance like nobody’s watching!
Dear Doctor Doom,
Do you see any business opportunities in the Post-Apocalyptic Hellscape we’ll be living in after December 21st?
Answer: Well, if you’re lucky enough to survive I think you’ll see that currency and real estate will be entirely useless in our shattered, ashen future. However, if you stockpile some of the right supplies you could do very well in bartering with other survivors for blue chip items like nutrition slaves or tin shoes. For instance, broken glass will likely fetch a pretty price on the open market so you should start hoarding right now. As far as professions go, Water Witches, Suicide Deputies and Bear Whisperers should prosper, but there will be a glut of Prostitutes and Zombie Look-Out Specialists, so stay away from those fields in the short term.
Dear Doctor Doom,
I just wanted to write to tell you that I love your advice column and that I’ll really miss it (and Instagram!) when the world ends! One quick thing, was that cute, little Ikea Monkey in the shearling coat a sign of the Apocalypse? I thought so at the time as there was just something that seemed a little fishy about it all.
Answer: Thanks for the encouragement! Kind words like yours mean an awful lot because working in isolation as I do, I never know if I’m actually helping the people so your words are incredibly validating! You were right not to trust the Ikea Monkey, but not for the reasons you suspect! The Ikea Monkey was a marketing ploy, a lead-in to launch a line of identical plush monkey toys Ikea hoped to sell to the Pre-Apocalyptic world. They were going to jumble them up in a bin near the checkout so that they looked like a Barrel of Monkeys! It was clever, but neither a sign of the end times, nor a match for it. Even Ikea must bow before the Eschaton!
Dear Doctor Doom,
What do you think our new Overlords will look like?
Answer: This is an excellent question, and although the specifics are uncertain we can rest assured that our new Overlords will be unspeakably beautiful. They will be sexy like movie stars. Majesty will be the colour of their eyes and they will smell of pumpkin and vanilla, and if they don’t, well, that will be good, too, for our timeless Overlords will be perfect in all regards, even if they are Cephalopods! I for one am very much looking forward to working with the new administration, and in the spirit of bipartisan cooperation, will seek to facilitate all slave relations (be they sex, warrior or nutrition slave) with our new masters.
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