As you will of no doubt heard, researchers at Duke University recently invented an invisibility cloak. Essentially, they can bend light around an object so that it’s imperceptible to the human eye. Potentially, this has wide-ranging consequences. It will certainly change the landscape of reality TV, give all of us an opportunity to see our friends naked, and perhaps even lead to wide-spread looting and murder. With these, and many other thoughts in mind, I asked an array of people how they would use an invisibility cloak.
Mae, cashier at the LCBO:
“I wouldn’t do anything with it. Seems sneaky to me. Jesus, I can just imagine what my ex would have done if he had an invisibility cloak. Hell, come to think of it, it might have saved our marriage because then I probably never would have seen him with my sister. That’s the sort of thing you just can’t un-see, I tell you. I’d rather be able to un-see things than be invisible.”
Scantily-clad woman in the line-up behind me at the LCBO:
“I would use it to slap you upside of the head for wasting all of our time with your fool questions. You think you’re charming or whimsical or something? You’re just another afternoon drinker looking for attention. Look at you and your box of cheap white wine. Hell, I don’t even need an invisibility cloak to give you smack, I’m just going to do it!”
Jeff, security guard at LCBO:
“Well, I think I would have engaged my invisibility cloak just as soon as I saw that woman begin to get frustrated in the line-up behind you. People don’t like to wait for their booze, and she was a very athletic looking woman, so I would have grabbed her before she slapped you. I’m sorry that your glasses were broken, but I think you’re going to have a hard time getting the LCBO to reimburse you. Apart from that, I’d probably watch my mechanics just to see how much they’re ripping me off.”
Callum, apartment building Handyman:
“Oh Lord, you know those college girls who live up on the third floor? I would follow them up to their pretty, little apartment, make myself at home and then just sit back and watch their habits, you know what I mean?
Robin, dog walker:
“I would steal pets that were being treated poorly by their owners, listen in on what my friends say about me when I’m not there, and also follow my pastor home and watch what he does on his computer. I don’t trust him, not one bit. He’s awfully angry for a pastor, like he’s keeping something buried deep inside.”
Claire, neighbour:
“I would use my invisibility cloak to get into movies for free and to make my enemies believe that they were being haunted by a ghost. But the truth is that I would trade it in for the ability to fly as an invisibility cloak isn’t going to do anything to help you beat rush-hour traffic.”
Rachelle, my wife:
“I’d use it to sneak onto airplanes and then travel all over the world for free. I’m sorry Michael, are you interrupting me with an idiotic question? Oh, you are. Okay. No, I don’t know where I’d sit. Maybe I’d just stand. Yes, that’s right, I’d stand for the entire duration of the flight to Hawaii. I don’t think stewards bumping into me would be a problem. Or people going to the washroom. I’m nimble, I’d avoid them, and yes, I think I would stay in Hawaii forever. No, you’d have to remain at home and look after the dog. I’d be fine, I’m sure I’d make lots of friends on the beach. Sorry? I didn’t quiet hear that. Oh, you’d be an invisible Air Marshal, would you? You’d be saving the world from terror? How would you do that? You’re tiny, have poor balance and you’re terrified of flying. How would being invisible help you to be an Air Marshal? Invisibility doesn’t suddenly make you competent, you know.”
Eric, cab driver:
“I would follow my wife out when she tells me she’s going to her Bollywood dance class and I would see whether she’s having an affair or not. I’ve had my suspicions for a long time now. Bollywood! Why would she suddenly be into Bollywood?! It’s ridiculous, and she doesn’t do it with a friend, it’s just her, every Friday night. And one day, after Bollywood lessons began, she shaved her lady region. When I asked her why she said it was because she felt it helped her to feel free in her movements while dancing! That she just got too hot! I didn’t believe her then and I don’t believe her now. I am a very angry cab driver.”
Slava, waitress at Hooters:
“If I were invisible I’d sneak into my ex's place and steal the sex tape he has of us.”
Angie, waitress at the Tilted Kilt:
“Is this some creepy pick-up line? You look like somebody who’d have a creepy pick-up line. In fact, you look like somebody who bought an entire book of creepy pick-up lines, and “Hey, who would have imagined? You’re drinking alone on a Friday night!” So, like, whatever. Now do you want another round or not?”
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