The Lord God Almighty declares that there shall be a press conference and that it shall be good!
Please have your seats.
Such is my grandeur and magnificence that if I were to appear to you in all my numinous glory, your mortal eyes would be stricken and blindness would be my gift to you, and so, with that in mind I manifest before you as a burning bush.
Obviously, with Pope Benedict XVI announcing his resignation many have been questioning my leadership and the effectiveness of the divine chain of command. How could I, the Alpha and Omega, permit somebody whose mortal coil was in such an obvious state of disrepair to be my Earthly manifestation? Did I really think he was going to be infallible? All I really had to do was look in his eyes, for did I not make the eyes the window into the human soul? Verily, I did.
In the back, be still, lest I smote you! For generations your families shall be deformed and sickly your cattle if you do not stop texting! Hear Me now, for I command you!! Tremble before My might!
I have lost my train of thought. This is more stressful than I thought it would be.
Give me a moment.
Let me say unto you that mistakes have been made. With the benefit of hindsight, I can see now that sacrificing my son in order to prove my love for mankind was an error in judgment and I am sorry for that. Now, however, is not the time to dwell in the past, it is a time to confront the present and move forward. I suppose it’s no secret, even to you mortals, that I have been mailing it in for many, many centuries now. In the vast, timeless expanse of infinity I have become interested in other projects and sometimes I have found that I am not as committed to you—whom I created in my own image—as an unpredictable, wrathful, yet loving father should be.
It is with much sadness that I tender my resignation as your God, effective immediately. I no longer have the edge needed to rule over the totality of the universe. You my children, deserve better, you deserve a God who will make you a daily priority. Telling you that in my house there are many rooms, or rather, getting my son to tell you this, is not good enough.
But before I go, I would like to make some amendments to the Abominations Under The Eyes Of The Lord List:
Young persons, who generally desire to be their own masters, will now be seen as abominations under the eyes of the Lord.
The expression “Foodie” is now an abomination under the eyes of the Lord.
Charles Darwin, be assured, will not go unpunished, he is an abomination.
The Greyhound, Honey Badger, Red Possum, Barracuda and Buzzard all displease the Lord and will come to an end together. I will make them desolate.
3-D movies are evil in the sight of Yahweh and are henceforth considered abominable.
At this time an appropriate successor has not yet been established, and the universe will be presided over by a committee of Nephilim until a suitable deity can be located. When the time is right, you will receive a sign, perhaps a blood red moon or spiders raining from the sky—but of course, this will be left up to the new King of Kings to determine.
Please! No pictures at this time! Do not tempt My wrath, heathen!! If I see one more flash I shall make no covenant with thee nor show mercy, but in flames and thunder, I will cast you into a black pit a thousand leagues deep! Dost thou understand? I kiddeth not. From My mouth does utter truth!
I am sorry. This is a very emotional time for me.
I think I could really use a burnt offering right now.
Boy, this is tougher than I thought.
Although I will not be fielding any questions, I want to part by saying that I will always be your Father. I love you, my children, but now we must follow our own separate paths. Good luck to you all, and thank you for all your support and servitude over the years!