How Spider-Man is like a Wormhole in the Fabric of the Universe

National Magazine award-winner Kaitlin Fontana is regular contributor to Hazlitt, where...

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Venn again, sometimes two seemingly unrelated things are actually closer than we thought.

Don’t worry: this isn’t a review or another culture piece asking, “Why is there another Spider-Man movie already?!” No, I am here to blow your minds. I propose a comparison of these two Spider-Man films, not as pieces of cinema but rather vessels for movie star production and space-time. Yes, you heard me right.

Observe: If a version of Spider-Man is, as recent history suggests, remade as a film every ten years in an infinite loop, then in roughly a decade Emma Stone will be in Lars Von Trier movies and Andrew Garfield will be a little-bit-fat baby-face with kids and a non-career, endorsing the next Spidey in line (as Tobey just did for Andrew). Does that not seem not only possible but also probable in terms of Hollywood career trajectories?

And, given that our increasingly globalized and technology-reliant world has created conditions under which space-time itself is compressing, it’s logical to assume that, eventually, there will be multiple Spider-Man films coming out simultaneously, in which each Spider-Man makes slightly different decisions and wears slightly different costumes. Soon enough, in fact, all movies will be Spider-Man movies, and, naturally, Lars Von Trier will direct them all. Emma Stone will play Aunt May in 2042, and even the 400 Peter Parkers sent to save Uncle Ben won’t be able to (spoiler alert!).

At least in all of this Spidey madness and elasticity of space-time someone will have the good sense to go back in time and kill Bono before Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark is ever conceived. Because, guys, I saw that piece of garbage and let me tell you: there’s nothing infinite about it.


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